Imperfection, Action, and the Great and Spacious Building

SAN DIEGO – Heavenly Father has really decided to push and pull me around a little bit —and it is definitely working. I want to share with you some things today, some lessons I have learned: some experiences that have humbled me, and some moments that have strengthened my faith. It's a lot, so please bear with me.

Before I start, I want to tell you what I used to think of when I heard the word "missionary". I thought of a guy dressed in black pants, a white shirt, name tag on shirt, scriptures in hand ready to conquer the world. I thought they could do no wrong, they knew every answer, they never had a hard time, they never messed up. You can see that my understanding of what it means to be a missionary was very skewed.

I want to open up my life as a missionary and let you see that though I do have a black name tag on my shirt, I am imperfect: I mess up, and life is HARD for me many times. I cried myself to sleep last night; this week has been so hard. I am not telling you this to get your pity or sympathy. I am sharing this because I want you to know that I am just like you. And just like you, there are lessons that I need to learn to be a better daughter of God.

I hope that as I write by the Spirit and you read by the Spirit, that my experiences this week can help you learn something that God needs you to learn to reach your full potential as well.

First, let me share with you some lessons I learned:

Elder Zwick, if you remember, toured our mission a few months ago. This past month, he was touring Samoa, Tahiti, and other islands in the South Pacific. On his way back, he stopped once again in San Diego and wanted to take his family through the tour with some other close friends. He asked if he could have a fireside with the sisters at the Battalion. I want to share with you a story. I only have time for one, but maybe next week.

This story actually comes from Sister Zwick. She told us a story about her son Scotty, who is in his thirties and has some mental disabilities and thus lives in a group home in Orem while they travel around the world.

The temple President in Portland are the Zwick's good family friends. The president shared an email with Sister Zwick that his son had emailed to him. His son had been having a really hard time with his family and other things. He was really feeling low. But he was really excited for General Conference that was coming up, and he was praying and praying and praying that something one of the General Authorities would say would answer the questions of his soul.

Session after session ended and by the time the closing prayer was ended, he felt dejected and that God had not heard his pleas. Just at that moment his cell phone rang and the caller ID said, "Scott Zwick". Brandon wasn’t going to answer it, because phone calls with Scotty are often full of questions and last a really long time, and quite frankly, Brandon felt that he wasn’t in the mood, but something made him answer the phone. He heard Scotty's voice on the phone and he said, "Brandon, I just wanted to call you and tell you that Jesus loves you and I love you too." Brandon explained, that at that moment, he knew that God had heard him and did know who he was.

And all that he needed to know was that he was loved, by a Father in Heaven and by His Son, Jesus Christ.

Do you see what I mean when I tell you that what you do makes a difference! Listen to the Spirit when he urges you to do something. If you don’t act, God will use someone else to do his will, and what a shame it would be to not be trusted by God enough to follow out His will.

Second, Let me share with you an experience that humbled me. I think I will write this out of my journal because I really don’t want to retell it- I hate messing up!

May 3, 2012

"Today was really hard. We had our weekly training meeting where we train the sisters at the Battalion. Sister Kennington and I did the training and then separated to practice with the sisters. When we came back, my group was a little late, so they were already talking. I asked if my group could hear what was said. We went on with training, but I could tell something was hurting my companion. I looked at her and my heart sank. 

I knew that I had acted out of harmony with Jesus Christ, for I had caused her hurt. We talked and I came to the realization that I had made her feel that I didn’t trust her to wait for all of us to get back into the room and I didn’t work with her in unity. I have been trying so hard to be better at allowing others to lead, but I think the harder and harder I try, the more and more I seem to mess up. 

It is really hard for me to allow others to lead. It's a weakness I know I need to get over to become a true disciple of Christ. It may seem like a little thing that happened today, but I realize that if my companion felt badly about it, then it matters a lot. She is so gracious and so patient with me, something I admire in her a lot. I think this experience opened my eyes to how much Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ care. This little things that we do matter. The little ways we mess up, and then become better are a big deal. We don’t live life by the year; we live it by the hour, by the minute, by the second. It is day by day that we become who we are meant to become....."

Finally, I have one more experience I want to share, a moment that has strengthened my faith. Cinco de Mayo in Old Town is CRAZY. I mean ridiculous. Sister Kennington and I were at the temple in the morning and then on shift at the Battalion at night. A drive from the temple that usually takes about 10-15 minutes took us just over an hour.

We were driving bumper to bumper trying to get to our apartment, which gave us plenty of time to watch what was going on around us. It hurt my heart to watch how past feeling all of these people were. Alcohol, tobacco, loud, offensive music, inappropriate dancing and actions, immodesty (bad, I mean real bad). It was like a movie, driving through a sea of people who weren’t real, they were literally like zombies.

Later, Elder Seegmiller shared with us his experience with being down in the middle of it at the booth. He told the sisters there to watch him. He walked into the middle of the swarm of people making their way to who knows where and he would wave right in front of their face. None of them acknowledged him. None of them knew he was there. He related it to the great and spacious building. My heart started pounding as I heard that. The Spirit was teaching me that this experience was exactly that. My faith was strengthened by seeing how real Satan is, and how real the Savior and His Atonement are.

I am out of time, but I hope these lessons I learned have strengthened and helped you. In summary, help others, be humble, and go forward with faith.

Inactivity, service, staying put

SAN DIEGO — YAAAAAAAAAAAY I am so excited for Dad and Sara to be having their adventure! I love the stories:)

I actually went to school with Aubin Lewis, then she left for a few semesters. I can't remember if it was for a mission or something. Great stories. I'm glad you're having fun. 

The only thing I want you to do for me, Sara, is give Leena a great big hug and tell her how much I love her. She is one of my heroes. Seriously. She has changed my life a lot. Talk with her every chance you get and write it down so you can tell me about it:) I would love to hear her conversion story again. I forgot it! 

Guess what? The former mission president in Finland that just got released came to the Battalion yesterday. It was great to talk with him. He knows Leena of course. It made me miss pulla and piirakka. MMMMMMMMM.

You are not going to believe this, but Sister Kennington and I stayed together, stayed training sisters, and stayed in Black Mountain!!!! I am very humbled, very grateful, and so excited for this chance. I love Sister Kennington so much. She's my best friend! We have gone through more together than I ever thought was possible as a missionary. The amazing thing is we have learned how to love each other, despite all of the weaknesses we have. It is a hard thing to live with someone 24/7. I am grateful that I get to live with a patient, kind, and loving companion. I couldn't go through this refining process without someone like her. My furnace has been HOT, and is only heating up. But I am grateful for the opportunity to be changed.

It was such a sweet experience Sunday, not only because I was still in the area I love with all my heart, but because I walked in and Kyle, the less active we have been working with since November — the one who is stubborn and hard on the outside, but really a softie on the inside — showed up in a white shirt and the tie we bought him. He got up and said the closing prayer as well. No one in this world can tell me that people can't change. That is a total LIE!

I was taught another lesson from Elder Seegmiller about why so many people stay less active. It is because they feel they have to fix their mistakes BEFORE they can go back to church, when it is church that is the place to help them become better. So what if someone has a problem with the Word of Wisdom. So what if a person has a problem with the Law of Chastity or keeping the Sabbath day holy. I hope and pray that you or I would not make any of them feel that they could not enter a place for healing the wounded soul. In fact, it is our duty to find them and to help them understand that they NEED to come back, that they are loved. Keeping the laws is the least of their problems.

It is coming back to change, to align themselves with God, to repent that is what keeps people from returning to God. So please, please, please don't be the cause of one of God's precious children shying away from the only place that will give them peace and hope. Its not just in our actions that keep them away, but in our LACK of action that does it as well.

Last thing I wanted to tell you about was Mormon Helping Hands day. Do you do that in Utah? I forget. Our branch was in charge of painting the community center in Mira Mesa. It was an amazing sight, painting the center. Our branch was on the roof, a bunch of 18-30 year-olds that could have been doing anything else on a Saturday afternoon. I took a moment to look around at them, and to walk to the edge of the roof and look down at the crowds of other members painting beneath me, laughing, painting, serving the community and serving God. People walked past with wonder in their eyes. I am sure thinking to themselves, "who on earth are these people? are they crazy?" Many of them, probably not even realizing that we are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints —followers of the Savior of the world.

I guess this scene hit me harder today, as an investigator's father claimed that our Church only thinks  about itself and no one else. If only he could have seen the selfless service of these people on this day. My soul was touched deeply with the pureness, the charity of it all. It was a great experience.

I guess the whole reason for my email today is that there is more happiness to be found than what you have right now.

I know that at times, you may read this and think, "Oh, she's just a missionary. She doesn’t remember what living in the world is like. She's just weird and all she wants to talk about is the Gospel." 

Some of you may even have a hard time remembering that I did live where you live, I am real! I experienced much of what you are experiencing now! Being a full-time missionary and a member of God's church is not as far separated as regular members of the church put us.

I challenge you to find the happiness that God has for you. Many of you may have to change where you are looking for it, but I promise it is there.

"God is aware of us"

SAN DIEGO — I hope you are all doing well! Thank you for the updates. It is always so good to hear how you all are doing. Every time you share your experiences with me, my testimony grows. 

I guess I better tell you about my CRAZY week! First of all, transfers were last Wednesday. Sister Nelson got transferred and I got a new companion: Sister Kennington! She is from Layton, Utah and is SO AWESOME!

We went on exchanges all the time with each other, and have already been good friends these past months I have been here. I am so excited to have her in our area!

For transfers, President Clayton comes to the Battalion and announces them there. The other missionaries have transferred at the Mission Valley Stake Center. After he announced everything, we were singing the closing hymn and all of a sudden I got tapped on my shoulder by President to come out in the hall. Oh my goodness, let me just tell you, having your mission president tap you on the shoulder to follow him is not the most pleasant experience as a missionary- SCARY!

President asked Sister Kennington and I to be the training sisters over the Battalion. What a humbling experience, let me tell you. I am so glad that Heavenly Father makes weak things become strong: He has a lot of work to do on me that is for sure!

An amazing thing that comes with that responsibility is an even deeper feeling of charity. I didn't know I was capable of loving so much, but Heavenly Father has sure helped me stretch my heart even more. It is so funny how He answers prayers. I have spent many many hours on my knees begging Him to help me with my faith, with my charity, and with my trust in Him. I am so grateful that I get to work harder on developing those qualities in myself!

Here is a little update on the area:

I have been seeing how much Heavenly Father wants all of His children all over the world to hear about the Gospel. Right now we are teaching two people: one girl named Tao Tao, who is from China and one guy named Ali, who is from Iran.

Neither one of them have any idea about who their Savior Jesus Christ is at all, which has been a humbling experience to be able to focus an entire lesson on how much the Savior loves each one of us, how he gave his whole life to serve, to love, to lift each one of us. There is a sacred spirit that enters the room when we talk about the Savior. I would not expect anything less, for He is the life and light of the world. Even though people despised Him — and still do — even though people mocked Him, and still do, even though people turned away from Him, and still do, He loved them all and He loves us all. I know it. I can't see Him. I can't hear Him. But there is no one and nothing in this world that cannot tell me that He does not live, for I have felt his Spirit touch my soul. I have felt his hands lift my burdens. And I have been encircled by the arms of His love.

I have seen so many miracles and so many instances this week that have shown me that God is aware of us. Sister Nelson and I have been trying to get a hold of Ashli, a girl who came to the Mormon Battalion Historic Site and wanted to learn more since August. Every time we try and contact her, her dad answers and to say the least, does not like us at all.

Last night, Sister Kennington stopped by and she answered the door. We sat in her living room talking to her about the Book of Mormon, about how God is aware of her and loves her. I watched her face light up as her spirit remembered (even though she didn't realize it) where she came from. She had the light of Christ shimmering from her eyes, and I knew there were angels in the room, helping her remember that she is a daughter of God, a princess of a King, and that He wants her back.

We also taught a guy named Keith, who was standing on the street corner in front of the institute building and one of the members invited him inside for pizza. He told them he didn't want pizza, but he went in anyway and immediately asked how he could learn more. The elders were able to teach him a little bit and then they passed him to us since he is in our area. Heavenly Father was aware of him — he helped him get to that street corner, he inspired that boy to invite him in, and he is helping us teach him how to return to Him. God does love us. He does care. I know it. I know it with all my heart.
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You kept mentioning the holidays in your letters. Something so weird here in California, I keep forgetting Thanksgiving is next week! It is kind of hard to think that Christmas is coming when it is sunny and 75 degrees all year long! I have some questions for all of you:

Nick: How is your job doing? What kinds of things do you do?

Juli: How do you like the new house? How are the girly bugs? How are you?

Chris: How is school going? What meds are you learning about? do you have the hospital rotation yet?

Hannah: Are you still TA'ing? How is teaching going?

Sara: How was San Diego? I saw Bobby's family! So fun! How are clinicals? Any fun stories?

Mom: How are your kiddos at school? Crazy this year or pretty good? How has it been with Marv and Jackies daughter? What about sister Rosenburg?

Pops: How was the football game in the snow? How is the center coming along? Have you decided if you are going to Finland?

Grandma and Grandpa Morgan: How are you doing? Has it been snowing in Idaho too? I ate a pumpkin chocolate chip cookie the other day- definitely not as good as grandma morgans, but a good reminder of you!

Grandma and Grandpa Newman: How is working at the temple? I met someone that works at the Jordan river temple, but I can't remember their names.

Time is up! So sorry, but I have to go. I love you all. I hope you know that. Have a wonderful week and please don't forget who you are. I hope you don't take my letters as sounding preachy. Heavenly Father has just helped me see the world so differently. We are His. He wants us back. Let's help all of us return together!