Pure love and agency

SAN DIEGO — I have a lot of thoughts and emotions right now. I honestly had an internal debate whether I wanted to write home or not this week. Of course, the Holy Ghost bonked me over the head and told me, "don’t you dare, your mother needs a letter!" The Holy Ghost is ALWAYS right.

We just got back from what is called a "sisters retreat", where all of the sisters in the mission met at the Clayton's home and had lunch. We learned from President, Sister Clayton and the training sisters. Sister Clayton spoke. I don’t really remember what she said, but the tears rolled down my cheeks as I looked around at the beautiful scene of a roomful of Sisters in Zion.  My heart hurts at the thought that my time is almost finished here in San Diego. What an amazing journey this has been.

I sometimes get the time to ponder about the plan God has for us. I have had a few of those moments this week.

The first thing I was pondering about was the love Heavenly Father has for us. 

Yesterday, I was teaching a man who doesn’t leave his home, he plays video games all day, and does drugs and alcohol. His father is Mormon, so he asked if we could come and teach him more about the Church. At first glance, my immediate reaction was, "There is no way this man will accept or live the gospel." The Spirit kindly chastised me, and I cringed thinking, "Who are you, Sister Newman, to say who can and cannot be changed by the Atonement of Jesus Christ?" 

I said a silent prayer, and pictured him being sealed to his future spouse. During the lesson, I told him that I knew we didn’t know about him, but we cared about him and loved him. He surprised me by saying. "How can you?" Heavenly Father opened my heart, and somehow, some way, he helped me love this man just as He did. That is how I know that God loves all of us.

I was also pondering a lot about agency this week. Agency is such an important part of the Plan of Happiness. God will not and never has forced us to do anything. I have seen that this week with many of our investigators.

Selina watched the Joseph Smith movie and explained that she knew she needed to read the Book of Mormon to find out it was true, only to tell us this morning that she would be too busy to learn. 

Lupita, whose sister is a Mormon, is sitting in lukewarm water, not caring either way if the Gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored again. 

Celeste decided that she felt too much pressure and won't answer any of our calls. 

Every single one of them, just prior to their decision to ignore and turn away, had a spiritual experience as the Holy Ghost testified that what we were saying was true. As much as it hurts my heart, I know that they have to be able to choose. I wait patiently for the day in heaven, when I can sit by their side, wrap my arms around them, and tell them how grateful I am that they are here.

Lastly, I have come to realize how perfect this plan is. We just taught Brady the Plan of Salvation. At the end of the lesson, Sister Jarrett asked what he thought of the Plan of Salvation. He smiled, rubbed his chin and then replied in his Chinese accent, "Well, I think the Plan is perfect!" He is a sweet, sweet soul.

My conclusion for this week's experience is that I am just a tool in this perfect work. The pain, hurt, frustration, and tiredness can be taken away if I could but trust in Heavenly Father. He’s in charge! Why worry so much? If I am just where I need to be doing what I need to be doing, I can have complete trust that Jesus Christ will make sure that the work is moving forward. The Atonement is so real. My heart is changing. I know yours can, too.

We can be made whole through this perfect plan. Holy smokes, it is so great. I love Heavenly Father so much. Sometimes, I get so homesick for Heaven. But boy, am I grateful for this time on earth to learn, love, and experience the joy of living.

There is joy in this journey!

He said Yes!

SAN DIEGO —It has been one of those roller coaster rides for sure. I only have time to tell you one of my experiences this week, but it has been one that spanned the whole week, and will be a lesson I will NEVER forget.

September 21, 2012

Yesterday we had a lesson with Ryan at the Mormon Battalion. We met in the teaching room to talk about some of the concerns he had. 

He didn’t understand the Atonement, which is a big deal, as the Atonement is the very center to everything. We were lucky to have the chance to re-explain the precious gift that the Savior Jesus Christ gave to the world. I felt my lips moving as I looked him in the face, but the words were not my own. 

The Holy Ghost whispered as I spoke: "Ryan, Jesus Christ knelt in the Garden and suffered for you. He experienced how it felt when you had to watch your Father slowly fade from the earth. His heart was pierced the same way with the last memory you have of your father, a memory that haunts you to this day, He experienced living day after day year after year with anger building up in your heart, eating away at you. He will be on your right and on your left, and will be there to bear you up." 

After testifying of the Savior's Atonement, we committed him to keep his date of baptism for Saturday. He stared at me, this time with dark, smoldering eyes and said, "I’m sorry, but no." 

If the sound could be heard, the room would have been filled with the sound of two breaking hearts. 

Not broken out of him pushing his date back. My heart felt broken because he didn’t use the Atonement. I don’t even want to ever feel how Heavenly Father feels when we refuse to use the gift of the Atonement. It's the gift of change. 

I know how I felt at that very moment. That, I know was only a glimpse of how Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ must feel. I was once told not to cry for others who are given the chance to use the Atonement, but only cry when they refuse to use it. 

After saying goodbye to Ryan, Sister Miller and I sat down in the theater. I rolled down in my chair, looked up at the ceiling and began to cry. Sister Miller grabbed my hand and we cried together. Then we knelt in prayer and cried and prayed some more. The Spirit filled my soul as Sister Miller asked if Ryan wouldn’t have the faith to overcome fear, please let our faith be enough. I know in God's timing, Ryan will enter the waters of baptism. Oh what a sweet and beautiful day that will be...."

September 23, 2012

"Sat with Ryan in a lesson today. He got out everything that has been bothering him. It is amazing to know that no matter who you are, where you come from, the healing power of Jesus Christ is real. 

Now that Ryan is ready to use the Atonement, I feel as if I want to jump for joy! We committed him to visit his dad’s grave, and to pray to his Heavenly Father as well so that he can feel the peace and comfort that comes from repentance..."

September 24, 2012

"Ryan came to the Battalion today. My heart has been in knots all week thinking about him. I care about him so much, and know that in order for him to find true happiness here on earth and to return to live with God, he needs to have the Gift of the Holy Ghost. 

I don’t think a second has gone by between Saturday and today that my heart has stopped praying that everything will be okay. We talked and talked about so many things: about eternal families, about the temple, about baptism. And here again, the Holy Ghost said, "Sister Newman, you recommit him to be baptized."

Again, I committed him to make a covenant with God. The silence between my question and his reply was unbearable, I thought my heart might collapse from what it's been through this week. He looked up at me, his eyes warmer today, brighter, free from guilt and shame, and said, "Yes". 

HE SAID YES!!!! HALLELUJAH!!! 

His life will be changed forever. Despite the bad, the hard, and the ugly in this world, a Heavenly Messenger of God can protect him...

I don’t care how bad this world gets. We are on the Lord's side.

 

'Not a single moment can be wasted'

SAN DIEGO — This week has been a crazy one! I feel like I start these letters the same way every week, but it is so true. Missionary work is so full of ups and downs. HR (the one baptized in October) finally went to the temple this week! What a sweet experience to have been able to see him be baptized, receive the priesthood and bless the sacrament, and now go to the temple to help others receive those same blessings! It is so neat! All I can keep thinking of is no wonder Heaven will be amazing! We all get to help each other get back to Heavenly Father!

Todd (the marine that just got baptized) received the Gift of the Holy Ghost on Sunday. W-O-W. Future Stake President right there. They are both so solid. I am so grateful Heavenly Father has blessed me with the opportunity to teach them both.

Saturday was Mormon Battalion day. They had a huge celebration in town square celebrating the Battalion making it to San Diego. We marched in the parade and then headed up to the Battalion and gave tours every 15 minutes from 10 am-to about 5 pm. It was crazy! There was a special spirit about the day, having an extra reminder about what these amazing men did.

Brittany with a local member of the Church on Battalion
Day. Photo courtesy of @GreggPrettyman.

Saturday was both a happy and a sad day. Sister Pelfrey's father passed away at 1 pm. He has been really sick for quite some time, but that doesn't take away the sting and hurt of losing a loved one. She is such a strong woman, so kind, so thoughtful, so loving. I was so blessed to be able to sit with her for a few minutes and listen to her tell me about her dad. We sat together and we cried together. There is
no doubt in my mind that Heavenly Father sent special angels to be with His sweet daughter that night.

This experience reminded me of how precious life truly is. We fought to have a place here on earth and we fought mightily, valiantly, courageously. Not a single moment can be wasted.

As a missionary, every six weeks we have transfers. And every six weeks I have the opportunity to look back at what I've done — how hard I worked, how patient or impatient I was, how I treated my companion and the other sisters — I have this great opportunity to look back and report to my Heavenly Father, my mission President, Elder Seegmiller, and myself of how I used the precious six weeks I had. It is a little scary when I have to look within myself and see if I truly reached the potential Heavenly Father has for me.

As I was sitting with Sister Pelfrey talking about how her dad is finally home, I thought about how my welcome will be when I return home to Father in Heaven. Did I love? Did I teach? Did I lift? Did I serve? Everything we do makes a difference. Everything we do we will be accountable for. It matters what we do here! It matters more than we realize.

I just want you all to know I love you. God is real. More real than we know.